My Unmet Desire To Have Second Child Doesn’t Mean I Am Ungrateful For What I do Have

 

I’m a 38-year-old mother of a 5-year-old daughter. My husband and I have been trying to conceive another child. I have not been successful and recently had a miscarriage due to blighted ovum.

Yesterday I got my period yet again after trying to conceive.

Today, I learned my daughter’s best friend at school is going to be a big brother. His mom is also 38 and shared her ultrasound pictures with me. Since my daughter found out about her friend becoming a big brother, she puts her hands on my belly and says she wants a baby sister. I tell her I would love that, too.

But the truth is that I’m also afraid to have another child due to the current state of my marriage, my living space, my age, and our financial well-being. These are basically all the things I was concerned about when we had our first child, and we ended up doing just fine, but my body is older now and my energy is less. Yet, I am still heartbroken that I do not have a second baby. These feelings are triggered by the joy of other mothers and moms-to-be, the baby shower I’m invited to in 2 weeks, the pictures of siblings hugging each other, and the mounds of adorable baby clothes and items I have yet to get rid of.

My cousins just had their second child, and I’m feeling left behind yet again. It’s like I’m on the outside looking in. I am the oldest cousin in the family as well, which make sit even more difficult. Not to mention I’ve been working crazy overnight hours for 5 years to pay bills and health insurance. I just know there’s something wrong with me and I am bitter. I’m upset because I can’t be the mom I want to be. I’m upset at the pain my daughter projects when she just wants someone to play with.

What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I have another child?

Time is ticking by and each month I get my period feels like I’m losing another chance to have a baby. I’m becoming more and more exhausted and constantly question my abilities to become the mom I know I can be.

Please don’t misunderstand me. One child families are beautiful. I feel blessed that we have our sweet girl. Some days are harder than others, but we are learning together. I just feel like a failure, especially when I am surrounded by family and friends who are pregnant and on their second and third child.

I question why I feel this way. Is it due to jealousy? Especially seeing my family and friends exuding feelings of happiness and completeness. Or am I just being selfish? There must be a reason why I feel incomplete and hopeless. I think it might be a combination of all of the above.

So what’s my plan to get over these feelings? I am counting my blessings of having my family and friends that are in my life.  I am going to take one day at a time and enjoy the gifts I’ve been given. I must focus on bettering myself for my family and for me. If a new blessing comes along then we will go from there. If it never does I know we will be just fine.

I have come to realize that certain things in life are not as important as I thought they were. My age, my work schedule, what other people think, my house, my car, and other material things are not what matters. On the other hand, certain things have become more important to me as I have gotten older. Being a good person, prioritizing my family, prioritizing myself, forgiving myself, having loyal friends, and enjoying the time we have together.

I have decided to have more of a “seize the day” mentality. So I’m going to pull up my big girl pants, wipe my tears away, and focus on the family I have, more than the family I don’t.

Has anyone else ever felt this way?