What Pregnancy After Infertility Feels Like

Yes, as I write this… I am in fact, pregnant. Our donor egg IVF transfer was successful!  

Someone fucking pinch me. This Can. Not. Be. Real. 

Simply typing the “p word” feels so foreign to me. It feels extremely uncomfortable.

It feels like a complete lie. 

Don’t get me wrong, I’m ecstatic beyond belief. Cloud nine-thousand, to say the least.

BUT, there is this lingering feeling tucked behind all the “feels”.  A feeling of entering another phase of possibility without a guarantee. AGAIN. A guilty feeling of cheating the infertile system. A feeling of fear. Fear that my body, proven to be unable to conceive on its own, may not actually be able to carry a pregnancy.

I’M INFERTILE AND PREGNANT. HOW COULD THIS BE?

Well, because I used a young fertile chick’s eggs. Let’s be real, I know how this “can be”. But, beyond that, it’s unfathomable. When you have had FOUR YEARS of negative result after negative result, you are programmed to prepare for negative. I WAS prepared for negative.

Like, really prepared. 

We decided to pee on a stick one day prior to our scheduled blood test and arranged for a photographer friend to come shoot our reaction to the pregnancy test results. We knew there was a HUGE risk of things ending badly. In my mind, there was a good chance the test would be negative. So I prepped the photographer. I told her “if it’s negative, don’t freak out, I still want you to keep shooting.” I have been documenting this journey from early on, and felt like, this was another story I needed to tell. She was beyond nervous, her hands were shaking with tears in her eyes. Looking back, I can’t believe I put her through that kind of stress.  Not many people would do that. 

Thank you, Jen Perez, I heart you. 🙂

But, I was ready for the negative. Scared, but ready. Infertility is what I know, it’s become comfortable to me. It’s apart of my identity now.

This is my life. This is what I know.

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